without you

we don't talk when we are alone what could we say you would hear the voice of my longing I would again hear you say "NO!" "That will NEVER happen!" You watch me smile And say "what's so funny"? I say "I love to see you, Even when you're angry." Then you say "I am not cross" In a voice that starts me shaking again I wish you away then while always wanting you to stay here so impossibly close to me. We don't talk when we are apart. What could we say? You would hear the voice of my heart Breaking again and you don't need my pain. when I found you You had nothing but your charm Torn jeans and Michael Jackson dance routines. And some boys to share the cardboard That you slept under on the beach. I gave you ice creams, soup and bread Rides in my car and after you had fed A shoulder to lie on, a belly to curl up on So that you could sleep there safe and warm. And we sat there you and I While the sun quit the sky In front of the fire (While other people talked) Enjoying our warmth. They stared at us - we must have looked odd but neither you nor I cared Because our hearts beat together In simpler rhythyms Just the little thud. thud. thud. That spoke of simple love. You were always funny. Almost slapstick like the movies you watch. Often annoying, seeking the ridiculous In the ordinary to point it out (as if no-one else could see it). A scrap of a lad. Hardly big enough to make an impression you made up for it by being larger than life And although battle scarred (The wounds on your head alone make me marvel You are still alive) You never lost the innocence that let you Smile at every silly word I said. More recently I saw less of you You kept away. I thought you a nuisance Pushed you out. Always remembered your birthday But out of a sense of duty sometimes. You were troublesome, annoying, always needing money. I tolerated you. Until the day I saw you really needed me. And that night you clung to me as if Your life depended on it. I held you again innocently as so many times before While you slept after tears that wet my shirt. And when I let you go I saw that your tears had washed away Scales from my eyes. I saw your body young, supple, alive My arms still sore with the weight I felt my flesh quicken, aroused, wake up to you while you slept. I said "oh no!" out loud. I didn't need this to happen! Then the months passed and you were here with me. We were close like fathers and sons are. You looked to me for strength, comfort and support I looked at you with eyes that Always needed more. There was that time when I lost my sense Of you. Wanted more than I could ask for Hurt you without knowing it. Broke your heart before you broke mine. Now we can't go back. We still love one another But the trust has gone. And your needs are satisfied with another And every minute you are with her I die slowly, understanding that this has to be. Knowing that she is only here today Doesn't help because you want to be with her I am alone again tonight as I was before you First came here. She can lie with you. Feel your body move with hers As you enter her hard and warm she will Cry. You will press her down because you have to. You are strong, big and strong You make her yield to you As you must. When you have finished exhausted and you lie together You kiss mouth on mouth tasting one another's dreams Your hand finds her wetness she takes your strength again as you both slip into sleep. I sit here alone at such times Knowing you are away from me. Where is the future in our love? Will I always be Waiting for some scrap to fall from the table? Or some illicit sniff while you sleep? Not even touching what another can feel Invading her body quickly, everything Involved hands, feet, arms, buttocks Grunting, crying, sighing, giving, losing And when you come home to me A furtive look at what she has enjoyed But nothing more I have to love you still as if You were the smelly urchin that once sat on my knee. Played with toy cars and Trusted me with his life. You have to know me as a man Who loves you more than he loves himself Who would give you the world if he could And owes you one thing (Though his heart is breaking) That he has a heart to break and better a broken heart than no heart at all.